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I Am Almost 22 And Nothing Makes Sense To Me

Is it just me or everybody at some point in life, especially in their early twenties, feels like they have wasted their life doing nothing?
I mean I am almost 22 and I have never successfully masturbated.
When I was 12, I had plans to get married at 23. Thank God for growth! I spent my teen age, loving and chasing boys that never stayed so here I am with no idea whatsoever on how to masturbate. What do I play with? See, I have tried. It’s just not working. Even google doesn’t help me.
Talking about Google. I do hope no one goes through our search history. I mean who is that jobless? I sincerely hope that it’s just me and a machine that knows all the questions I have asked google.
I have questions ranging from “Did Adam name Eve?” to “How to have a one night stand.”
I have nothing figured out. Nothing. Is it just me?
I just recently started being friends with myself.
Is this it?
How is it that no one told me when I was 18 that the boy, on whose matter I wanted to kill myself, will one day be a stranger to me? No one told me not to waste my time naming my future kids and just kiss plenty boys and maybe learn the act of masturbating.
Everything I know, I have been taught to know them. And those I learned myself, I am not sure the world accepts.
Everything I love, I was taught to love them.
Is it just me?
The first time I met a boy who said he didn’t believe in God, I was angry. I felt like opening his head and knocking in all the teachings about God that I learned from Sunday school, morning prayers and my parents. I was screaming in my head. “Are you mad? Can’t you see? He is God.”
I didn’t understand how he didn’t believe in God. I was taught all my life that there is a God and He is good. Everybody was taught that. I guess. I just didn’t understand that boy. A lot of crap happened in my life over time and most times I visited the day I met that boy and I asked maybe he was right. Maybe there’s nothing to believe. The first thing I started feeling as I doubted God’s existence was FEAR. I was so scared he would strike me dead just to prove he existed. But I will tell myself boy’s name is not dead so…..
I went through this phase in life where I wasn’t sure what to believe.
Some nights I will just stop and cry and pray. I asked God for something. A sign. Anything. Nothing happened.
I won’t tell you God proved Himself to me and that’s why I believe in Him today.
There’s just something right about believing in God. I can’t tell you what it is. There’s just something that happens when you are broken and alone and feeling like the whole world is against you and you cry and just pray or mumble those weak words and then you feel like you are not alone. You feel like someone sees you. Someone feels what you feel. My best feeling with God is feeling understood.
Is it just me that craves more than we were taught?
I have let myself hurt a couple of times because of a boy.
Getting a boy to love me was my very reason for living.
Boys were the trophy. Marriage was the goal.
We are taught to do well in school, close our legs, perfect our fake smiles and laughter just so a good man will find us someday and make us his wife.
Imagine my surprise when I kissed a girl.
She kissed me like she knew me.
Liked everything I have ever said goodbye to came to sit in that room with me.
Funny thing is, that minute she didn’t even know me.
Is it just me?
All my life I have loved the idea of adoption and everybody says it’s not the same. “At least give birth to one” they say “then adopt another.” “Just pray the person you are going to marry thinks like you else there will be problems” And my mum said “Amara, make sure you marry a white man because no black man will accept this your mentality” I was 16 when she said that.
I have questions.
Is this all there is to life?
We are told what to do and not do without a good reason.
Like I sincerely do not understand why I shouldn’t leave the house without a bra. Why my nipples pointing out is a problem. I mean it’s covered isn’t it?
I am almost 22 and nothing makes sense to me.
Is it just me?


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