I have some creative ginger longing to burst out, that’s why sitting [on my toilet seat], I took a long, hard look at life wondering about something really important. WHY DON’T MOST OF OUR UNILAG PAROLS CLICK? Even as cute, smart, funny and charming as I am, my parols, just as Shaydee’s music career, have refused to just work out.
In the heat of my brainstorm, I postulated a theory – the success of a Lagos parol is directly proportional to the presence or absence of certain parameters – and to elucidate on this theory, I sought the help of my loving brother Ebuka, to collabo with me in pointing out the DOs [by me] and DONTs [by Ebuka] of paroling in Lagos.
>> DO: HAVE A CAR
You don’t actually expect your date to jump danfo buses with you right??? So yes, you are expected to own a car. That shit turns them on like crazy. They don’t care if it’s a borrowed car, they just expect you to become their personal chauffer. Fear not, uncle Chisom knows something else they love even better.. *drumrolls* UBER and METRO TAXI! I don’t mean those mini-danfo coffin-on-wheels most people fight for, I mean the really expensive taxi service in Lagos [in my opinion if you can’t call it using a short code, it’s a glorified danfo #thasall] so I suggest u start saving up for a car or start famzing a car owner. Your choice.
XX DONT: OFFER TO PICK HER UP
Chisom says ‘they expect you to be their chauffeur’. I say if you aint oloyin-beans or N20,000 by the road side I sure as hell aint picking your lazy ass up! Okay, I know this sounds like a stale egotistical bbm pm, but it’s the simple truth. At least 5 hours must have passed in the interval between you picking her, getting lunch, convincing her to come back with you, promising her you’re not going to even think about touching her and eventually driving her back to yours. All my semi-independent niggas know this fact –> even if you successfully get her to your crib, y’all won’t spend as much as 5 minutes before hearing the horn at the gate – DADDY’s HOME! Unilag girls know this is a sure fire way to kill two birds with a stone, 1) they get to effortlessly deny you of the promised land 2) they get to meet your parents. Don’t be a chauffeur brother, screw romance. Ring-a-bitch-a-cab.
>> DO: OWN A FLAT
From Ebuka’s DONT you know I don’t mean your parents’ house.. Only a ratchet or really thirsty ho will have sex with you in your parents’ house [no offence to ratchets and really thirsty hoes], classy girls won’t do that shit.. You want it? You’ve got to show that you can afford it. When they come, they expect to see the UHDTV hanging on the wall [yes, LEDs are outdated], home theatre or HiFi system, let’s not forget DSTV [I mean DSTV, not StarTimes or HITV, not even GOTV] and finally that fully stocked fridge, so they can eat away their school GPA. If you still live with daddy and mummy the odds are heavily against you. First you have to time her visit carefully to ensure she gets you home alone, receive infinite insults from momsy when she discovers you took more than your allotted 2 pieces of meat at lunch, etc. My point is, there are countless working-boys on these streets with swagged up cribs [I mean cribs so stocked, that as soon as the front door opens, the legs open]. So if you are a humble homey still living with the fam read this next line slowly so it sinks in.
I will die a virgin. #thasall.
XX DONT: TELL THE TRUTH… EVER!
I know how girls are all like, “I love me an honest guy that can be real and true with me every time”. My brothers, ignore this blatant lie from the pit of hell! Lagos girls love to be lied to. Picture this, she finally came to your end and gave it up. Now you’re just half a thrust away from the Promised Land but she holds jimmy-neutron and asks the jambest question of this life and time, “do you really love me?”
*pause*
1) these
hoes are quite silly [no offence to silly hoes] for them to expect a negative answer under such duress.
2) It would be quite enormously stupid of you to play honest-hafeez and tell her “well, I really don’t but I know we’re getting there fast”. My man, the term film trick can’t begin to describe how fast she’ll get dressed.
The moral lesson is this, when it comes to lagos girls, the truth will set you free. Free from sex and whatever else comes with the package [since you’ve decided to live a life void of fornication]. I can assure you this; if you don’t start lying soon you’ll never go beyond spanking Genevieve in your dreams on a nightly.
>> DO: DRESS TO KILL
You’ve got to have a really good dress sense [in fact almost gay dress sense] and I mean original stuff, those shits we see in magazine catalogues, a girl’s nose can sniff out fake clothes from a mile away, so don’t be tempted to buy from that Aba or China store in your neighbourhood. . Those trips will probably work on hairy-chested igbo girls [no offence to hairy-chested igbo girls] who are so in love with Chukwuemeka that they ignore the ‘adibas’ logo on his shirt [well actually cuz they’re too busy studying the bulge in his breast pocket]. When it comes to Unilag girls, it’s strictly versace versace versace versace. Now I know things get tight around the pocket area but uncle Chisom has yet another tip for you. Go on google maps and locate Mandilas, I heard [emphasis on I HEARD] that they have fake stuff so good and so cheap it’s almost like the most high put his endorsement stamp on it. Check that place out. Thank me later.
XX DONT: BE JAMES
You’re probably wondering what Ebuka is going on about this time. This one is for homeys that like to stunt. You know play James Bond and walk up to a girl when she’s with her gang. In the name of all the local and internationally adopted idols I beg you. Don’t do this [well not unless you’re Ebuka]. One thing you should know is, there’s power in numbers. A girl with her friends is a friend of no one else. I’ve seen brothers soaked, bleached, washed, tumbled, and hung out to dry all in a matter of minutes all because they thought they were in their James Bond Mode. You know that voice telling you to go talk to her in the middle of her 6 friends, that’s the voice of the devil. Unless you have an affinity for embarrassment, just respect yourself and maintain your lane bro [in fact we should make a song off this, MAINTAIN YOUR LANE see rhymes]. Back to the matter, I’ve seen niggas attempt a James Bond and go back in hot tears.
These girls is evil bruh. Lesson is, if she aint alone, she should be left alone.
>> DO: OWN A GOOD PHONE
Yes. A good phone not those half-android-half-china phones trending in the streets of Lagos at the moment. You can’t possibly use a Tecno J7 to pick up a girl using a Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge smartphone [notice I didn’t call Tecno a smartphone] Even the chief priest of Okija shrine has not perfected a charm that potent. In order to save you the shame, here is a list of acceptable phones; Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge and S6, Xperia Z3, iPhone 6/6+/6s. You obviously did not see Samsung S4 or S5, Bold 5, Tecno Phantom A+, iPhone 5/5s and others there, so I suggest you humbly put it back into your pocket, sit your ass down, cry for your life and hope for a brighter future because your present is as dull as Arsene Wenger’s trophy cabinet. Ebuka this is your sub! Go to hell with all your unsmartphone-using homeys.
XX DONT: SAY YES
Chisom, I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that so that brotherly love may abide. Anyways, this DONT is for the thousands of niggas around the state gassed-up on Robert Kiyosaki, Ben Carson, Fela Durotoye and all the other motivational speakers and writers. Barrack Obama told y’all ‘yes we can’, but King Ebuka says NO YOU CANT… SAY YES. If you intend to successfully set P inside this UNILAG wey we dey, you need to learn how to say no. For those of you who are lost at this point [by those of you, I actually mean all of you. Keep calm and stop feeling smart bitch, you don’t know where I’m going with this] what I mean is, there are several questions which Unilag girls frequently ask to which your answer must never be yes.
FAQs –
Are you a virgin?
Do you have a girlfriend?
Do you live on the mainland?
Do you go to COZA?
Have you ever had sex in… [Believe me this never ends well] For more FAQs buy my book. Yeah you guessed right, I don’t have a book. Oops, means there are no more FAQs, ain’t that about a b*tch.
>> DO: HAVE MONEY
Everything else without money is just like EME without WizKid – DEAD.. So if you’re gonna steal, I’ll advice you start getting guns now. She might say she loves you and doesn’t mind that you are broke, well and good. Just don’t ever make the mistake of taking her into the VIP section of a club on the island, because by the time a yahoo boy blows 1 milli just on drinks in your koro-koro eyes, you can’t imagine how fast she’ll bend over and burst it open for him. Reminds me of my homey that took his girl clubbing the other day, who was unfortunate enough to be seated right beside a yahoo-ambassador. Long story short, before the night and all the champagne in the club ran out, my homey was helping his girl climb the table so she could shake it for the rich nigga. *passes keyboard*
Chisom out.
XX DONT: HAVE MONEY?
Please find a good bible-believing church in your neighbourhood and join their work force. You have no business setting p in Unilag [or anywhere else for that matter, save for maybe Calabar, Akwa-ibom and Benin where parents thank young men for having sex with their daughters] and infact you have no business reading this post even. Your eyeballs scanning through this writeup is an insult to me, my brother and my family as a whole. Please close this page now before amadioha strikes you down! Even the bible says money is the root of all evil, why commit evil without money?! Nigga please sit down. I’m vexed. *smashes keyboard*
Ebuka out.
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